Email jokes from my bro.

[scotty73]

Not jokes but old rhymes i remember from my teens that have just been posted on facebook.

I overheard a conversation between 2 of our scout leaders
discussing the virtue of a guys mistrees
to date her they were eager

She got nice legs and big brown eyes but i heard she got acute angina

Oh said the other leader i think her tits are finer!!!!!

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Has we wandered through the woods
we saw an aweful crash
a girl was flung through the windscreen
but her boyfriend didn't get a scratch
why are you screaming? i said to him
are you in a state of shock?
no he said check her mouth
there you'll find my cock!

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I was at the bank with my dad one day
when a robber burst through the door
he said, listen this is a f*ck up everyone on the floor

I said dont you mean a stick up? or are you doing this just for fun?

He said no It's really a f*ck up i forgot my f*cking gun
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Sorry i have a twisted mind.

[lozz]

[scotty73]

These are hard to remember at my age.

I went to the chemist to buy a packet of three
but the girl behind the counter laughed out loudily
Now look here little boy she said you'll get me into trouble!!

Ok i said forget about three make it half a dozen.

[lozz]

Mum cleaning her 12year old sons room finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish magazines,she asks her husband"what do I do" hubby says "i'm no expert but I would,nt spank him if I were you

[lozz]

Primary school teacher says" ok class I'd like you to tell me what you need at home". Suzy says"we need a computer."'Wendy says" we need a new car." little johnny says " we don,t need anything miss!"teacher says," come on johnny everyone needs something!",no miss, my sister came home with her new African boyfriend and my dad said "thats all we fxxxxxg need"

[scotty73]

Little Johnny is class.

[scotty73]

A thug, an adulterer, a racist and a footballer walk in to a bar.

The landlord says: "What can I get you Mr Terry?"

[lozz]

got home & found the wife dead
in the washing machine earlier
im gutted....
but at least she died in comfort...

[lozz]

NOW ON SALE AT IKEA - leZbian beds - no screwing involved
its all tongue and groove !

[scotty73]

NOW ON SALE AT IKEA - leZbian beds - no screwing involved
its all tongue and groove !

[lozz]

.. Crimewatch.


I'm going to go rob a bank tomorrow.
I plan on dressing up in a clown wig and make up and only wearing a thong and nipple tassels.
I'll carry a goat and a can of fluorescent paint in one arm and, while in the bank, I'm going to fxxx the goat and throw the paint over the walls, all the time ripping up pages of a phonebook and swearing my head off. After getting the money, I'll take a sh*t on the floor and p^ss everywhere. I then will escape in a van shaped like a giant pink cock.

Let's see Crimewatch fxxxxxg stage a reconstruction of that.

[lozz]

(mispronunciation)A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt comes to his table and asks, "What would you like, sir?"
He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, "A quickie."

The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, "What would you like, sir?" Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "A quickie, please."

This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.

A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, "Um, Pal, I think it's pronounced 'quiche'."

[steve_earwig]

dusgursting

[lozz]

A Pregnant Woman With Triplets.!!!

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked
robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach.
Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in
because it was too risky to operate.


She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.


All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in
tears.


"What's wrong?" asked the mother.


"I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out," replied the daughter.


The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years
ago.


About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears.


"Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out."


Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16
years ago.


A week later her son walked into the room in tears.


"It's okay" said the Mom, "I know what happened. You were taking a
tinkle and a bullet came out."


"No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog."

[lozz]

..adam.


God Said, Adam I Want you to do
Something for me."

Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"

God said, "Go down into that valley."

Adam said, "What's a valley?"

God explained it to him.

Then God said, "Cross the river."


Adam said, "What's a river?" !

God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill......."

Adam said, "What is a hill?"

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.

He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave"

Adam said, "What's a cave?"


! After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a Woman."

Adam said, "What's a woman?"

So God explained that to him, too.

Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce."

Adam said, "How do I do that?"

God first said (under his breath), "Geez....." !

And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.

Then, in about five minutes, he was back.

God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"

And Adam said

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YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS !!!!!!
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"What's a headache?"