Email jokes from my bro.

[FarmerPug]

Is it true you can pick up your voicemail at the News of the World now?

voicemail, there is one thing i have ever done to it, disabled it.
good joke about the old lady.

[lozz]

The olympic games

scottsman englishman and irishman were desperate to see the olympic games and couldnt get any tickets so they devised a plan the scotsman pulls up the lid of a man hole walks up to the gate and sercurity asks who are you he replies hamish stewart scotlands discus thrower hes get thro the gates the englishman see this and grabs a scaffolding pole walks up and says richard smith englands pole vaulter wee paddy looks on then walks up with a roll of barb wire the guards looks and asks whos you when paddy replies pat murphy irish fencing team

[teamster1975]

A Truck driver sees a girl about to jump off a bridge so he stops.
"What are you doing?" he says.
"I'm trying to commit suicide," she says.
"Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a blow job."
So, she does.
After she's finished, the trucker says, "Wow! That's a wasted talent. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl....."

[lozz]

lmfao

[FarmerPug]

ahhhhhhh, how much you wouldnt want to be that lorry driver.

[kevtherev]

i was driving down the road when my boss rang he told me i had been promoted, so i swerved
a few miles more and he called again said i had been promoted to another higher position, so again i swerved
after driving another few minutes he called again and told me i had been promoted to the position of managing director, so i swerved and crashed head on into a tree,
when the police arrived and asked what happened i apologised and explained that i had just careered off the road...




bloke walks into a pub and orders a drink at the bar. while he is waitin he notices an ugly bloke in the corner surrounded by 5 or 6 gorgeous women. the women are lavishing attention on him and buying all his drinks, the man stands at the bar and watches this while he drinks his beer, then he leaves
2 days later he returns to the same pub and again the ugly bloke is in the corner with 5 or 6 different women all buying his drinks and being super flirty,
finally curiosity gets the better of the man and he approaches the ugly man , excuse me he says i couldnt help but notice ive been in this pub twice this week and both times you have women all over you buying all your drinks and i dont mean to be rude but your no oil painting, whats your secret??
the ugly man puts his drink down looks the bloke straight in the eyes , licks his eyebrows and says " ive no idea mate"


2 mexicans have been stranded in the desert for a week they are both starving and dehydrated. suddenly the 1st mexican shouts " look essy a bacon tree" and sure enough as they ran closer to the tree it had rasher upon rasher of juicy , crispy bacon hanging from every branch
the 1st mexican runs right up to the tree shouting " we r saved we r saved essy" and is immediatley shot down in a hail of bullets, as he lays dying in the sand he manages to shout to his friend "essy tizz not a bacon tree it tiz a ham-bush"

[lozz]

Dave the rooster

A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster, one that would service all of his many hens and when he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied: "I have just the rooster for you. Dave here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!"

So the farmer took Dave back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the hen house though, he gave Dave a little pep talk. "Dave", he said, "I'm counting on you to do your stuff". And without a word he strutted into the hen house.

Dave was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Dave had finished having his way with each hen. But Dave didn't stop there, he went in to the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pig pen, where he did the same. The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out, "Stop, Dave, you'll kill yourself". But Dave continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.

Well the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Dave lying on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above.

The farmer walked up to Dave saying, "Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you little buddy".

"Shhhhh," Dave whispered, "The buzzard's getting closer."

[steve_earwig]

It's Hell to be Old

OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

[FarmerPug]

words cant describe how funny that is, but its very funny.

[Welly]

My Dear husband:
I'm writing this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you. I've been a good wife to you for the last 20 years & I have nothing to show for it, and the last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you left your job today which was the last straw.
Last week, you came home & you didn't even notice I had a new hairstyle, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new nightie. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching your TV soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.
Your EX-Wife.
Don't try to find me. Your BROTHER & I are moving to Invercargill together! Have a great life!

Dear Ex-wife:
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true you & I have been married for 20 years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch TV soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & bitching. Too bad that doesn't work. I DID notice when you got a hair do last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a boy!' Since my father raised me not to say anything, if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have got me confused with MY BROTHER because I haven't eaten pork for 7 years. About the new nightie: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on it, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed $50 from me that morning.
After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I won the 20 million dollar Lotto, on Saturday, I left my job & bought 2 tickets for us to Jamaica, but when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess.
I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dollar from me.
So take care.
Your Ex-Husband, Rich As Hell & Free!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my brother Carl was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

[steve_earwig]

These just turned up in the old email

An American fighter plane was flying over Afghanistan when he noticed a flying carpet on each side of his plane, both with a machine gunner on board.
Sensing danger he shot them down.
Back at base he got a right bollocking – apparently they were Allied Carpets.
..... .. . . . . . . . . . ..
I was driving to work this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up.
The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.
I thought to myself ‘that guy’s heading for a breakdown’.
. . . .. . . . . . . . . ..
On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign saying ‘English speaking Doctor’.
I thought; “What a good idea, why don’t we have them in our country.”
. . . .. . . . . . . . . ..
The police came to my door last night holding a picture of my wife.
"Is this your wife sir?" said the officer.
"Yes it is" I replied.
"I'm afraid it looks like she's been in a car accident" said the Officer...
"I know" I said, "but she has a lovely personality!"
. . . . . . . . . . . . ..
Woke up this morning a bit late, about 8:15 ish. Called down to the wife and got no answer.
Got up and went downstairs to the kitchen and there she was,
Face down on the floor. Dead!
At that moment I completely lost it, my whole world fell apart, tears were welling in my eyes..............
Then a moment of pure inspiration........
....McDonalds do Breakfast until 10:30 !
. . . . . . . . . . . . .
Two women were talking. "Do you look at your husband's face when you have sex?"
"I did once & he looked really angry."
"Why angry?"
Because he was watching through the window!
. . . . . . . . . . . . ..
Took a girl home from the pub last night but I ended up falling asleep on the sofa...
Must have drunk her bloody drink by mistake!
. . . .. . . . . . . . .
Last night I got so drunk that when I got to the bottom of the stairs, I took off my shoes, coat, top, trousers and underwear.
Then I crept upstairs very quietly, so as not to wake the kids or my other half.
It was only when I got to the very top I realised I was still on the bus home.
. . . . . . . . . . . . .
The government has announced that for the new school curriculum, boys are going to study the workings of the female mind.
The lessons, however, will be changed on an hourly basis.

[Doggy]

[lozz]

Bragging about kids,


Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, were reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Admin and soon began to climb the corporate ladder. Now he's the president of the company. He is so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday..'

The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of it's assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'

The third man said, 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multi millionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday..... 30,000 sq foot mansion.'

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked 'What are all the congratulations for?'

One of the three said 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons.... What about your son?'

The fourth man replied 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'

The three friends said 'What a shame... What a disappointment.'

The fourth man replied 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.’

[Welly]

The Sensitive Man;



A woman meets a man in a bar.


They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together..


They get back to his place,




And as he shows her around his apartment.



She notices that one wall of his bedroom is
Completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.


There are three shelves in the bedroom,





With hundreds and hundreds of cute,



Cuddly teddy bears carefully placed

In rows, covering the entire wall!


It was obvious that he had taken
Quite some time to lovingly arrange them



And she was immediately touched


By the amount of thought he had
Put into organizing the display.


There were small bears all along
The bottom shelf,




Medium-sized bears covering the
Length of the middle shelf,


And huge, enormous bears running
All the way along the top shelf.


She found it strange for an
Obviously masculine guy


To have such a large collection of
Teddy Bears,


They share a bottle of wine and
Continue talking and,


After awhile, she finds herself
Thinking,




'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy
Could be the one!


Maybe he could be the future
Father of my children?'




She turns to him and kisses him
Lightly on the lips





He responds warmly.


They continue to kiss, the passion builds,



And he romantically lifts her in
His arms and carries her into his bedroom



Where they rip off each other's
Clothes and make hot, steamy love.


She is so overwhelmed that she
Responds with more passion,


More creativity, more heat than she
Has ever known.



After an intense, explosive night
Of raw passion with this sensitive guy,


They are lying there together in
The afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently
Strokes his chest and asks coyly,


'Well, how was it?'


The guy gently smiles at her,


Strokes her cheek,
Looks deeply into her eyes,



And says:












'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'

[Doggy]

Soft toy collections will never look quite the same again